Newsletter:July and August 2008 - M Edition

My Beautiful M,
I've struggled with what to write about our summer and have started this post many times in my head, only to be exhausted by the time I have uninterrupted computer time. Also, July and August seemed like such a slog at times that it seems there's little good things to say. Things are smoothing out, though, and I'd like to be sure to accurately recap our lives together, so here goes the good and the ugly.

As I said, July and August were long months of arguing, negotiating, disciplining, having tantrums, etc. We took you out of daycare early in July because you were going to miss two weeks of it (one for Safety City where you learned the Fire Song, and one for vacation) and then it was a few short weeks until school. I, stupidly, had romanticized this time as being one of endless fun and adventure - a last hurrah before you started Kindergarten. It didn't quite turn out like I'd intended, but I think that it's been a good lesson for both of us. And lest you think this was a horrible period or that, we did have some really great days that full of fun, laughter, joy, and silliness.

Our Battles, if you will, come because, at 5, you think you're ready for everything; while I, at almost 40, know that you're still my baby, also, I've been 5 too, so you're attempts to pull one over on dad and I have failed miserably. For instance, one day you were tasked with cleaning your room and blithely assured me that it wasn't going to take any time. I verified this with you because I knew how much of your stuff is squirreled away in various places in your room. Given this was not a normal, just pick up the walk spaces area of your room, I was dubious. Sure enough, when I went in and started checking, I looked under your bed. Lo and behold! Most of the mess in your room magically transported itself under the bed. Busted! Little did I tell you that I am a past master of the under-the-bed-hiding trick.

You want so much to be a grown up. Once, during an argument I told you that you were smart, but that because Mommy is older and has lived longer, that I am smarter.* You came back with, "but I'm a Mom, too!" In the moment, this is phenomenally frustrating, but also so poignant. Your heart is so big and you love your dolls so much, that it's inconceivable to you that you're not their mom in the way I am yours. I have to take heart, too, that some (not all) of your behavior is your attempt to be me, which if you were an adult parent, would make me proud. However, as you're only 5, I will stay as the Mommy if you please.

This summer, we went on vacation to Mackinac Island and Traverse City to see family. You wanted to spend time with anyone other than your parents, blithely going off with the Kids Program on Mackinac and playing with your older cousins (D, D, and M). Since we've been home, there have been numerous conversations about how we wished D & M lived closer and plaintive queries as to when we'd see them again. We've also had endless discussions about Hannah Montana (who we don't watch) because D likes her. Your conversations usually goes like this:

M: I love Hannah Montana
Me: Really, why?
M: Because D does.

I've tried to explain that there is nothing inherently great about Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, but because D loves her; so do you.

In August, we were able to take one of our girls-only trips to Mackinac Island. This time, Sissy went with us and we stayed with Nana. Last year, you and I went three times (twice together and once with dad), so this was our first one with Sissy. We had such a good time, having chocolate shakes at the Jockey Club, going to Turtle Park, helping drive the taxi on the way to Nana's, playing chase at the playground (where I hurt my ankle), going really fast on the way to the docks, missing dad. It was questionable whether we'd go since we'd been arguing, but I didn't want to miss out on our trips. I'm so glad we went. It reminded me how much fun we have together when I relax.

One thing that was different for both of our trips was that you didn't want to watch DVDs the entire way. Instead, especially when you, Sissy and I went, you wanted to talk; and so we did for about half of the way. You are endlessly curious and we discussed Coast Guard cutters, freighters, etc. which was very taxing at times because you ask very specific and detailed questions to which Mommy doesn't always know the answer. I try my best, though, and what I don't know, we try to ask Daddy, or someone else.

Starting kindergarten, I think, has really helped give us both some needed breathing space. I wrote a separate post about your first day, but it bears saying here, that despite all our challenges in the past few weeks, I missed you all day. I worked in the kitchen and kept looking out at the water tower and wondering what you were doing and how it was going. The hug you gave me when I saw you (I met you on the way home) was more because you had had so much fun than just to see me (although I know you were happy to see me too). You positively glowed with excitement. Although I knew you'd love Kindergarten, it was so good to see you again.

As I wrote earlier, we had some pretty hard days, but they seem to be smoothing out. You still have days where you don't listen and I have days where I ride you on everything, but I think we're learning how to better coexist. I'm trying to spend more one-on-one time with you and I think it helps both of us. In caring for E, I've missed you so much. I am greedy and want all your infancy and toddlerhood back, but I would also miss who you are now. It's one of the major downfalls of parenthood - that the more I fall in love with you at various times, my heart is breaking for what came before. Sometimes, I can't wait until you are a mother so that you know how completely I love you and so that we can talk about what it means to be a mother, woman, etc.this. Of course, I'll be falling in love with you and eagerly awaiting to see who you'd next become, which only proves that this process will be for my lifetime and that figuring out how to live with one another now is so worth it.

I love you.
Mom

Family Newsletter: June 2008

My Beautiful Girls,
June was a great month for all of us. We began the month with your recital, M. You danced to Christina Aguilera's Car Wash and it was great. We were almost to the end of the recital when there was a tornado warning and they evacuated the theater. Daddy, E and I were with Oma & Opa, but you were in the staging area with the other kids. I wanted nothing more than to race to the back and get you, but I also don't want you to scare you. We sat and waited patiently and, once the threat had passed and we were all reunited, you were none the worse for it. In fact, they (Miss Elaine and the teaching and volunteer staff) probably did a much better job of distrating you than when the tornado sirens go off here and we scramble to the basement. Anyway, the recital was awesome and this time, the process was just old hat to you.

June saw the addition of more plastic to the household. You and Daddy went out during the Community Garage Sale and returned with another little baby-care set. This one, though, is much different! than the other ones we have! You've spent quite a bit of time filling the storage areas, putting babies in the bath, high chair, and cradle. It also prompted you to spend your birthday money on a little suitcase of doll clothes. Of course, the suitcase itself is now being used for paper dolls.

The other thing that I've noticed about you lately (not just June), is that your art has really changed. You're drawing people more completely - e.g., adding hands, clothes, etc. - and using a lot of color. We have pictures posted all over our bedroom wall and many more stored. One of these days, I'm going to collect my favorites and scan them. We've also been doing more art projects and made you, E, and your cousins C and J little purses. We used beads and ribbon, etc. to complete them, then put in $1 (yes, I'm a big spender) and some chapstick. These went over like gangbusters.

One other adventure we've had was finding the hummingbird babies. We found them because we saw the mama hummingbird hovering over them and bringing them food. We left them some food and went and told the neighbors as they were in their yard. Mrs. S. also came out and we all took pictures and movies of the little birds, thinking that in a day or so, they would fly away. Unfortnately, overnight there was a terrible storm and one of the babies died. Then, later the next afternoon, despite the fact that I lifted the remaining baby to a tree (I used a little scoop) and that we check on it after another miserable storm that blew the rain sideways, the second baby died. As we talked about it, you said that it was okay because at least we had pictures. And so we do.

For you, little E, you continue to make wonderful progress. You move constantly and, when left up to your own devices, like to wiggle your way off the blanket or mat. When eating, you like to raise your hand up in the air and wave it around until I grab it. Then, multi-tasker that you are, like to play with it while eating.

I should also mention the use of your legs and feet. It's not that you kick me while you're eating, rather, its more like you use your legs and feet to explore. In the blue bouncy seat we have, you use your feet to kick the hanging toys as they're still out of reach. You also recline your feet up the little posts when you are taking a little rest. The other thing you do with your legs are to get them trapped outside the bed. Despite placing you on your back furthest from the wall, in the mornings you are invariably over on the other side of the bed, on your stomach, and with your legs hanging outside. It's really quite amazing.

You also sigh (which are so sweet) and make little noises while sleeping. There have been many a time when you've made noise, but when I've gone in to get you up, you're still sleeping. I shouldn't be surprised because both Daddy and M are "active" sleepers. Given your inability to stay in one position (neither did M when she was an infant, or now for that matter) and the talking in your sleep, you're on target to fit right in with them.

June was the month that you really started waking up talking. Once awake, you like to have conversations and I have to admit, that I had forgotten that M used to do that too. These are pretty funny as there's one, sharp little shout that is definitely "Hey! Get in Here!"

In June, we also started solids, and so far, you're doing great. You've had rice and oatmeal cereal, carrots, sweet potatoes, and prunes. The second time I sat you in the high chair and put a bib on, you already were lifting your head and opening your mouth like a little bird, ready for the cereal.

We continue to get really great reports about your progress from Early Intervention. We started using the Big, Red Chair, Jr. Executive model (also known as a corner chair) to help you with your head, neck and shoulder control. You like being in the chair and we've played various little games, including rolling the little chiming ball back and forth.

There isn't one moment this month that really stands out as a best moment. Rather, it seems that our time, now, consists of nice, simple moments that reinforce the fabric of our family. It's not all roses, though, and one day I may write the Anti-newsletter which details how mommy lost her cool, or M had 3 time outs, or E spent the day not sleeping, etc. But that's not today. Today, and every time I finish one of these newsletters, I am filled with joy and love so profound that there are no words that I've found to express how lucky, blessed, thankful I am for you both, for Daddy, for our family, for my life as your mom.

Love always,
Mama

Newsletter: April & May 2008 (E)

My Beautiful E,

April and May have been big months for our big, strong girl. In April, you turned 3 months old and we went to have our pictures taken at a local, big box store. After a long wait (despite appointment) and other assorted mishaps, we left with a minimal order which is still sitting on my desk, doomed to never see the light of day. The pictures were so disappointing of all of us, that we tried our local photographer. Her photos of you, your sister, and our family are so beautiful to me. I've uploaded them to Flickr (see sidebar) for everyone to see.

At three months old, you began sucking your thumb. You have a way of working it into your mouth using your whole hand. One day, I'll have to try and get pictures of it. I'm not sure if you'll be a thumb or finger(s) sucker, but I'm going to guess that you will as you (like your sister before you) developed a sucking blister on the center of your upper lip. This is due to your ability to do a great job nursing (Score: Mooma 1; Formula 0). It took us until late March for us to forgo the supplemental bottle and at your 4 month appointment, you were 12 lb 12 oz (85th percentile). M asked me a couple weeks ago why your knees had cracks in them. I had to explain that they weren't cracks, but dimples. You don't have quite the girth that M did, but you've since doubled your birth weight and are so beautifully healthy looking.

In April, you attended your first Ned E. Baker Lecture in Public Health with me. This is a lecture from the organization for which I used to work and it was lovely showing you off. I was particularly proud when some of the nurses looked at you and knew from your wonderfully muscled cheeks (it's not fat) that you were breastfed. It was hard work, but these last two months have been great for both of us in terms of the nursing. I'm so glad that we stuck with it.

Other funny things that I forgot about nursing (you may want to skip ahead if this is TMI) are that you like to try and wrestle with me to get to the boob. I have had to say to you (more than once) that I'm in charge of the boob and things would go much quicker if you'd let me do the job of getting it into your mouth. It would seem, however, that you have a pretty big dose of do-it-my-wayitis, so struggle we do. The other funny thing is when we're nursing while lying down (my favorite position right now), you'll throw your top arm up around my boob like you're a kid guarding the test you're taking. Either that our you'll grab my shirt and pull it down so that you're hidden. I remember M doing this as well and thinking about the odd need for stealth. The other thing that I have to try and remember to record you doing is the little maniacal laugh you do when you're really hungry and ready to eat. As I get ready and position us together, you do this little heh heh which is really funny (maybe only to me, but still....).

In May, you had two big milestones - rolling from your back to your tummy and laughing. You have (on occasion) rolled from your tummy to your back, but you usually go one way, then get stuck. The time on your tummy, though, helps you gain strength in your neck, shoulders and arms in the pursuit of sitting and moving. The other thing you'll do (back or front, it doesn't matter) is pivot yourself around and/or move yourself off the blanket. I fear that you will become frustrated at the effects of the low muscle tone, but also see you working so hard to still get to where/what you want to do.

Oh, I forgot wrestling with Chelsea and other larger toys. Oma and Opa gave you a little doll who we've named Chelsea (all people/animal toys are named in our house). Chelsea is a favorite of yours, we think because she is bright and colorful with crinkle noise in her dress. Her dress also has different textures, and a couple rattles. When we lay her next to you, you like to bring your legs up, flop them over so you get on your side, grab Chelsea and give her the what for. You will also use your legs to kick at toys and entertain yourself. You're quite the equal opportunity limb user in pursuit of your goals.

Rolling and laughing happened on the same day. Daddy had taken you in to get washed up and pjs on. As he was wiping under your chin, you giggled. It's not an all out belly laugh, but a little laugh that pops out at unpredictable times despite Daddy and I trying everything short of bringing in trained seals to perform for you. Of course, some may say that we are the trained seals, but that's for another day. In the meanwhile, we try all sorts of funny things to hear the little laugh again and I know that I feel like a hero when I hear it.

Finally, I have to say that I've come to love our Tuesdays and Thursdays together. Although I miss having M with us, I also like the uninterrupted time with you. We lie on the bed and play, play on the floor, have little adventures (fun way of saying grocery shopping), and just have time together. I only hope that you're having as much fun being my girl as I am being your mom.

Love,
Mama

Newsletter: April & May 2008 (M)

My Beautiful M,

I realized a few weeks ago that I hadn't written the April Newsletter and we were already half-way through May, so I decided to wait and do a combined letter. I decided to do a combined one for M, then one for E.

M, in the last two months, you have become a whole new person it seems. I don't know how many times I've thought to myself, "when did you learn to do that? who taught you that?" You love jumping and hopping and are constantly making noise of some sort. I think you take it as a personal affront to have silence so you fill it with tapping, jumping, banging, etc. You've also taken to singing your thoughts to your sister. Most times, the gist of the song is about how much you love her, will always love her, and how you'll never leave her. Unfortunately, I don't have a constant microphone and recorder on you because the songs are so sweet.

April was the month where you stopped naps. Yes, a month shy of 5 is when you finally said No to naps. It's been pretty successful, especially since your bedtime was moved earlier. On warm days when we've been able to be outside or days you've been at school, you're a lot more tired and the 5:00 - 7:00 time period can be a little dicey. As I've mentioned previously,
I was warned that Five could be emotional and a couple times a week, you have a major meltdown. In fact, part of the reason I am able to get this Newsletter written is because you went to bed at 6:45 tonight. You become inconsolable about some issue - tonight it was "if I could just do the puzzle, I could stop crying - and no amount of reasoning or assurance makes it better.

In the last few months (I think since before April), you've ended playing the music that I think we've used since you were a few months old. Sometimes you substitute a CD of audio recordings of books that Nana read last year, but most times, it's just quiet now. I miss hearing the music and, sometimes when you're restless, will put the music on hoping that its familiarity will calm your sleep.

Did I mention that you also like to make funny faces? Especially when taking your picture? It's pretty standard now that for every lovely series, we have one or two that looks like this.

The last few months have been a bonanza of fun and gifts due to your birthday. Your gifts and how you play with them reminded me to tell you about how you seem incapable of putting things back into their original container. This isn't a bad thing necessarily as you take Polly Pockets and put them in makeup cases or stuff purses with all sorts of non-purse related items. A salt shaker because a receptacle for beads, pretend money now lives in a hair caddy, etc. I'll have to mark some examples down because they're quite funny sometimes. When I ask about why you don't return something to it's original (and in my mind, proper) container, you always have a good excuse.

Some recent conversations
4/7/08

M: Mom, how do bumblebees have babies?

*****************************
4/26/08

M: How do the ants die? (this in response to the exterminator coming to remove the ants that were infesting our kitchen)

Me: Remember the stuff the guy sprayed? It has stuff that makes the ants die.

M: Yeah, then the ants take the stuff back and they cook it up like ants do, put it on a plate for their family and they eat it then they die.

Me: Yep

*****************************

At the kindergartener's patriotic program, while standing during the National Anthem:

M: This is like when we saw the people (waving hands) who were singing the song about the king with the blue pee.

Me: Yep it is

[Note, the people we were watching was the high school choir and they sang the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah. I told M the story about why people stand for the Hallelujah Cho rus and that King George II had blue pee due to porphyria. (Actually, it was George III who had porphyria).]

April and May have been hard for me. I've been struggling trying to find a balance with you girls and although you may not understand for many years, creating a new identify for myself as a stay-at-home mom. I also suspect some hormonal/adjusting to the realities of how our life will be now with Sissy. I know I've been short, impatient, easily frustrated, and forgetful. I realized the other night when I was giving you a bath and we had a squirters fight how much we haven't laughed together. It was such a good moment for us and I'm going to work harder to have more moments of laughing with you. This doesn't mean that I will stop with the mom stuff, but I think we can find a way to do it with a little more fun.

I hope too, that now and years from now, you know that most of Mommy's frustration has nothing to do with anything that you have ever done and that Mommy loves you beyond all measure. I love our family more than I can ever say, which is why I keep trying to be the best Mommy for you and E. You are my beautiful, funny, smart girl and I am so happy to be your Mommy.

Love,
Mom

Newsletter: March 2008

My Beautiful Girls,

Once again, March has proven to be a month of milestones for both of you.

E, you have spent most of March cooing and talking. Your cute little smile comes out when you pull your head down and shoulders up. It's fleeting and has yet to be captured on either a still or video camera, but the attempt continues. Your talking ranges from little peeps and squeaks to full on dialogue with who or whatever catches your fancy. You've also been known to talk with your mouth full (e.g., still nursing and not having the courtesy to detach yourself from my breast before making comments). Mommy would really appreciate all comments regarding food be submitted in triplicate to the appropriate authority.

Your favorite activity has been looking at your hands and trying so desperately to get your thumb in your mouth. In a side-lying position, you bring your hands up and stare at them intently. In an upward or other forward position, you like to move/wave your hands around in a way that reminds me of your Grandpa T when he's telling a story.

March has also been the month of trying a schedule. Once we achieved 100% nursing! (more on that in a future post), Mommy has been trying to regulate your eating, playing, sleeping cycle. Unfortunately, we're going to have to teach you to put yourself to sleep, but that is for in the next couple weeks, in the meanwhile, we're just trying to get you to sleep in the daytime. You, like your sister before you, are not such a great daytime napper. You have been, however, going to sleep between 8:00 p.m. and 9:00 p.m. and sleeping until 7:00 the next morning (I do get you up to eat around 11:00 p.m., but you sleep and eat).

Until we figured out your nighttime routine, your sleeping process was having Daddy march you through the house. We even created a dirge for him to hum along as he (and sometimes Mommy) performed the March. Many times, you tricked us into thinking you were ready to be placed in your bed only to look down at you and to see your eyes wide open at us as if to say, "You weren't really thinking you were done, did you?"

The final thing is that now that you have given up (for the time being) the 3:00 AM feeding and play time, I have to say that I miss that time. I used that time that you were awake to tidy your room, write thank you notes, and other assorted tasks. I also checked on your sister and made the rounds of the house, enjoying the quiet while everyone was asleep. One night, however, you fell back to sleep while nursing and while I held you, you quietly snuffled. Then, from across the hall, your sister started talking in her sleep, Daddy began snoring louder, and Bailey began whining. It was quite a cacophony in the middle of the night. I smiled and was grateful to be up at 3:00 AM to hear it, but don't necessarily need to hear it again on a regular basis.

As for you my darling M, you have changed so much this month. It's amazing to me that as a parent I miss the all the small moments that add up into one in which I see you in a whole new way and you redefine yourself. For example, most of the time when we go out to restaurants, you'd prefer it if Daddy or I ordered for you. One afternoon, you and I had been to get your haircut. Because we had other things going on, I called Daddy to see if he wanted to meet us downtown for dinner. He did, so we arranged to meet him and E there. You and I arrived and discussed dinner choices while we waited for Daddy and E. Once everyone arrived, the waitress came to take our order. When I confirmed with you what you wanted, you said to me, "No Mom, I'll order," and proceeded to do so as if you'd been practicing it. You were well-spoken, polite, poised, and sure of your choices. It was amazing to see how so many previous moments came together for that dinner.

You've also spent the month becoming even more self-sufficient. Mommy and Daddy put your breakfast out for you the night before so you don't have to wait for one of us (usually mommy is feeding E) in the morning. We've also been asking you to be more responsible for yourself by putting your laundry away. While you don't like putting yours away, you do often help me put E's away. I think it's your way of sizing up which clothes may be coming available to your dolls.

This was a milestone month for Daddy and I when we went and registered you for kindergarten. We've been talking about how we'll practice walking to school this summer and all the fun things that you'll do, but it was a bittersweet moment when we dropped off the paperwork. We have other informational meetings later this spring/early summer, but registering you feels like the first step towards a breakneck rush towards college. Now that it's here, it feels as if you will be gone so quickly and I just want to grab you and make time stand still. At the same time, though, you are endlessly fascinating to me and I'm so interested in what your friends will be like as you get older, what kinds of experiences you'll have, the impact of peers, etc. all the life changes that will help shape you.

March was also the month that you completed a 100 piece puzzle all by yourself. You've always been really good with puzzles, completing 24 piece puzzles when you were two. They (24 piece puzzles) were a great entertainment (and old hat by then) when we were in Nashville. Since then, you've progressed to more challenging pictures with more pieces. Usually, though, you've asked for help with the ones that are 100 pieces. So a couple mornings ago (3/31), you went to play and eat breakfast while I fed E. You told me you were working on a puzzle and, after a little while, you told me to come see you. When I did, I found you smiling and the puzzle complete. Since then, you've continued to work on puzzles with very little help from Dad or I. Sitting by is easier for Daddy but it bums me out because I love puzzles. I remember having a puzzle set up on a card table, especially during the winter. Perhaps this will be a future activity for us.

Finally, we were able to see and show off you both off during the Easter Holiday. E met her great grandma and various great aunts and uncles as well as her Aunt Birdie. A combination of E's feeding schedule, various illnesses (ours, theirs), crappy and cold weather, and our crazy February appointments made it really difficult to get out. Everyone was happy to see both of you and Daddy and I loved showing off our girls.

Love,
Mommy

Family Newsletter: February 2008

Editor's note: I've opted to change to monthly vs age by month (e.g. 2 mo for E and 57 mo for M) title because it's too hard to keep track. Ergo, this is the February recap. I'll also be trying to post the newsletter at the end of the month.

My Beautiful Girls,

This has been a very busy month for all of us, but especially you E. You've spent a lot of time in the car as we follow-up the outstanding items from your time in the NICU and general preventive medical issues. Your hearing is normal (we think), your hips are fine, and you continue to gain weight well.

All our time hasn't been spent in the car, though. Your personality continues to emerge with every alert period (usually the 45 minutes after eating) when you like to wiggle and look around you. We have a musical light that you enjoy gazing upon as well as various other brightly colored or contrasting objects. You wave feet and hands vigorously and are especially drawn by things that are red.

You've begun "talking" to us. You have a number of sounds you make including one frantic little laugh when facing the bottle and a funny coo when you want to talk. You also smiled at me one day, then at dad a few days later. You have a beautiful smile and you gave me such a big one for your first time. I was half convinced that it was just an involuntary one (which you do when you're sleeping), but then dad came into your room with you a few days later and told me that you smiled for him!

Other firsts this month were that you're beginning to find your hand and I'm convinced that you will suck your thumb like your sister does; you've had your first baby massage (good for weight gain and general well-being); and you've had your first cold. We also had our first assessment with Early Intervention and so far, you're developing as you should, which was good to hear because you are so strong and curious that it's hard to see where you have developmental delays.

You're very determined to be in the position that you prefer. If awake, you prefer to be held cradle style so that you can see what is happening. When I am nursing you, if I've put you on my shoulder or laid you on my chest for burping, you will start bobbing your head towards my breast if you're still hungry. It looks like those birth videos where they put the baby on the mom's stomach and the baby begins working its way towards the breast. You totally do the same thing. When you're awake, but quiet, you'll maneuver yourself into a position so that you can gaze up at me. You look at me as if I were a rock star, while I gaze upon you and think how beautiful you are and how much I love you. When we're having our Mutual Admiration Society meetings, I am reassured that I will be okay as your mom.

While you've been experiencing all sorts of firsts, your sister has become The Authority on all things about you. In fact, yesterday when asked who was in charge of you, M answered, "You, Me, and Daddy." When I asked again who was in charge of you, M answered the same. I told her that she was, in fact, not in charge of you; that it was just Daddy and me. M also likes to expound on why you have to stay in your car seat (for safety and it doesn't matter if you like it or not) and other manners of your care (e.g., burping, dressing, etc). Anything we share with M gets incorporated into her Big Sister responsibilities as far as she's concerned.

M, your first this month was the cavity you had filled. Needless to say, it was traumatic for all of us, not only because a cavity just sucks, but because our dentist wasn't the most patient with your fears. We'll be looking for a pediatric dentist for your future visits and will not expose you to his insensitivity. It's not that he is a bad dentist, but I think that because of your poise and maturity, that it's easy to forget that you're not quite five. Four does not have the skills to understand that postponing a tantrum will help get the job done faster. Regardless, this was one situation where I felt like I failed you for not protecting you and being a stronger advocate for what I knew you needed versus what he was providing. For that, I'm sorry honey.

You continue to be fascinated by lists and forms. Thank goodness for the people who bring scrap paper to schools because their outdated purchase orders, with their tables of numbers and products, are like manna to you. You pretend they are your homework and you complete them by lining through each item in various colors which indicate who will/will not be attending your birthday party. There have been a couple times where my presence was in question until I informed you that as Daddy & I will be paying for said party, we'd definitely be in attendance.

You also write page after page of names. In fact, one morning you and Daddy filled a half dozen or so of 5 x 7 cards with lists of things such as: Names People M Doesn't Know; Names of People M Does Know; Foods M will Eat, etc. Since the beginning of the month, though, you've progressed from asking us to spell out names of our family members and your school friends to being able to spell many of them by yourself. You find these lists to be treasures and it's been difficult to dissuade you when you've wanted to gift them to your school teachers or a favored dance teacher. Luckily, we've made the policy that we only give pictures and not lists which seems to have stopped you for now, but I'm sure you'll come up with some exception that will tax my brain to find a counter argument for.

You continue to process the changes in our family through various play scenarios. A few days ago, all Barbie Island Princess Mommy was nursing one of the babies. Then, this morning, as I was nursing E, you informed me you were going to feed your baby from your boobs. You then went in your room, returned to E's room with Sarah (one of the Fisher Price dolls), sat down on the floor, lifted your shirt and fed Sarah. I have to say, you had good technique, especially when you burped her.

There are some bittersweet moments with you as you make plans for you and E when you are big. One night, you said to me that you had a secret to tell E. Then you whispered in her ear (which I could totally hear), "I'll love you forever." You also told me one night that you'll probably get married first because you're the biggest. It's hard, sometimes, realizing that we've made a decision that will impact you, but Daddy and I hope that your compassionate and loving nature will continue and that you'll see how empty our lives would be without each other in it.

Lastly, this has been a big month because Daddy went back to work about midway through. While in one sense it was nice to resume our lives and learn what changes come from having two kids. In the other sense, though, there are holes in my day when Daddy is at work and M is at school. I look forward to the best time of day when we're all home together.

Love,
Mommy

Family Newsletter: Month One

My Beautiful Girls,
It's been one month since our family expanded and I've always loved the monthly recaps by Heather Armstrong for her daughter, and I thought I'd totally coopt it for us.

This month has been a huge change for all of us. M, when you were born, I fell more in love with Daddy as I watched him become a father. This month, I've fallen more in love with you as I've watched you become a big sister. You've adjusted well considering that mommy and daddy's attention has become divided and most of our time is spent trading Sissy back and forth and attending to her needs.

While you haven't had tantrums or any major outbursts regarding Sissy, you have become a little focused on writing the list of people to be invited to your birthday party (not until May). I don't know if that's in response to having missed a school friend's party earlier this month or that it's something over which you think you have power, but it's become a major focus for you. As is the keeping of lists and Mom and Dad spend a lot of time helping you sound out words or names or just spelling while you write. I think it's your way of being able to be with us while we attend to E.

Adjusting also meant that some of your baby dolls, especially those you've decided are just born have spent time in the NICU. I hope that this is a healthy way to process our first couple weeks of January and that, despite impossible circumstances, that daddy and I balanced everyone's needs to the best of our abilities. I think we must be doing something right because during one of our "shift" changes which we had to do at the hospital, I was walking out with you past a display of nursing and medical memorabilia. There was an old nursing doll that you pointed out to me. A woman walking behind us asked if you wanted to be a nurse. You answered, "No." She asked if you wanted to be a doctor or if you wanted to take care of people. You again answered, "No." When she asked what you wanted to be when you grew up, you answered, "A Mommy." I could have cried from pride because I know that all I want to do as I grow up is to be your and E's mommy.

You've been very helpful with Sissy and interested in all things about her: poop, why mommy has to make milk for Sissy, changing her outfit for the day, etc. We've talked a lot about various body functions and you've handled any jealously pretty well. In fact, when you see both mom and dad without Sissy or upon arriving home, your first question is, "Where's Sissy?" or "What's Sissy doing?"

Having E has made a big change in all our family activities and E, you could not have been more welcome. Mom and Dad have spent this month, holding you as much as possible and doing all that we can to ensure that we have the necessary tools to help you thrive. We've remarked to each other how it seems like you have been here forever. I think it's due to the fact that you've been in our hearts that long.

Daddy and I have loved getting to know you. Even before leaving me, you've proven to be a strong willed little girl (like your sister) when you denied the labor nurse any sort of reliable monitoring. We have the pictures of the scabs on your head where the internal monitor was attempted and after you arrived, you've continued to make your preferences known very clearly. One of the neonatalogists said that you would let us know when you were ready to eat, and that's held true for everything. We've learned your cues for eating, sleeping, gas (and there's a lot of it), and when you want to be alert and wiggling.

You've surprised me because you're not at all what I expected. With all the reading that Daddy and I did before you arrived, we had a picture of an entirely different baby. Once again, you've proven in this first month that the learning curve is just as steep for me as it will be for you, probably more so for me. You came out and were alert, wide-eyed, and ready to be engaged. You wiggle and wave your hands and feet and diapering is just an opportunity for you to bicycle your legs likes there's no tomorrow. While you don't protest in the same way that M did, your displeasure is expressed through what Daddy & I call the "spitting camel."

You're very expressive with your face, especially when you're sleeping. Since you were born, we've seen you smile (and show your dimples). I said to one of the NICU nurses that although I knew the smile was involuntary I liked to belive that it was intentional. She responded that she thought so too. You also sneer like Billy Idol (according to Daddy. I thought it was more an Elvis look), and have started to form the "O" mouth that M did for a short time.

I think all parents must wonder at how much they will love another child. M asked me this summer about it while we were on one of our Mommy & M trips to Mackinac Island. I told her that mommy's and daddy's hearts just get bigger, and it's true. When M was born, my heart grew from the love I have for her and from watching T become a father. When E was born, it was as if my heart, which I thought was at capacity from loving M, was -in reality -the two sizes too small black heart of the Grinch that grew three sizes larger from our new family.

Love,
Mommy