Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I Don't Want to Talk About It

I'm struggling.

I've been struggling for a while truth be told. Some of it has been the stress of Big Daddy's stroke, some of it is the fact we have a non verbal 2.5 year old who is a very typical terrible two (new nickname Destructo), work, M not liking summer camp, Big Daddy's heart surgery, and E's transition planning for preschool in January. Then, just for fun, be on a birth control pill that, while preventing pregnancy and the monthly blood bath, seems to exacerbate and extend every crazy PMS symptom. It's possible that I spent the month of September not talking to anyone because all I could think in my head was for people to shut up (actually, much more offensive than that). My brain decided that everyone was my enemy and I was hating most people.

Luckily, it finally dawned on me that The Pill was the only thing messing with me chemically and when I stopped it last weekend, whew! It would seem that I do like my husband and children.

But it sucks, this struggling. I don't like feeling that I should be doing better or have it all in control. I hate not being the example I want to be for the girls. I hate, mostly, that I've isolated myself (in defense, I knew if I started down the crazy road, it wouldn't stop).

I've decided, however, that I'm going to keep posting for 31 for 21 even though I'm behind. I'm going to be okay with not getting 31 posts in this month. I going to be okay with making progress towards being the mom I want to be, the wife I want to be, and the person I want to be.

I do have lots to say about Down Syndrome and I really like reading other parents' 31 for 21 posts. Some of them are hard and some of them really make me think. I have a lot to say about the transition crap (like a social worker who schedules testing without consulting us, then having a bit of a snit when I told her no; or when they scheduled it for 2 weeks before Christmas break) which makes me really aggravated. As Cate says about her daughter, "She's a person not a project." That's a whole other rant post for another night. In the meanwhile, enjoy our family picture from Disney.


chicagoRED said...

Sister, we are all persons, not projects, including YOU. You ARE a wonderful friend, mother, sister, daughter, wife. You have tremendous heart and a great soul. I love your intelligence, wit and beauty. Someone who struggles with the day-to-day challenges (big and small) like we all do. Good for you for taking a pause to think about what's not right and trying to do something about it. Sending you good thoughts. Keep pressing on my friend! I love ya'.

Tracy said...

Ditto what chicagoRED said....and love the picture from Disney World!