Giggles LaRue

Rescued

I couldn't stop watching the rescue of the Chilean miners. It's been riveting.

I Don't Want to Talk About It

I'm struggling.

I've been struggling for a while truth be told. Some of it has been the stress of Big Daddy's stroke, some of it is the fact we have a non verbal 2.5 year old who is a very typical terrible two (new nickname Destructo), work, M not liking summer camp, Big Daddy's heart surgery, and E's transition planning for preschool in January. Then, just for fun, be on a birth control pill that, while preventing pregnancy and the monthly blood bath, seems to exacerbate and extend every crazy PMS symptom. It's possible that I spent the month of September not talking to anyone because all I could think in my head was for people to shut up (actually, much more offensive than that). My brain decided that everyone was my enemy and I was hating most people.

Luckily, it finally dawned on me that The Pill was the only thing messing with me chemically and when I stopped it last weekend, whew! It would seem that I do like my husband and children.

But it sucks, this struggling. I don't like feeling that I should be doing better or have it all in control. I hate not being the example I want to be for the girls. I hate, mostly, that I've isolated myself (in defense, I knew if I started down the crazy road, it wouldn't stop).

I've decided, however, that I'm going to keep posting for 31 for 21 even though I'm behind. I'm going to be okay with not getting 31 posts in this month. I going to be okay with making progress towards being the mom I want to be, the wife I want to be, and the person I want to be.

I do have lots to say about Down Syndrome and I really like reading other parents' 31 for 21 posts. Some of them are hard and some of them really make me think. I have a lot to say about the transition crap (like a social worker who schedules testing without consulting us, then having a bit of a snit when I told her no; or when they scheduled it for 2 weeks before Christmas break) which makes me really aggravated. As Cate says about her daughter, "She's a person not a project." That's a whole other rant post for another night. In the meanwhile, enjoy our family picture from Disney.

For Nana

Summer Pictures

I love these pictures of E, taken in early July.

Happiest Place on Earth (if you're 7)

We went to Disney World last weekend for a much deserved break. We all had a good time, especially M whose interest in Princesses has been slightly revived. It could have been something in the air, though, that exacerbated the natural acquisition skills of a seven year-old when confronted with sparkly items. M desperately wanted high heel shoes and the first purchase she made was of Cinderella's glass slippers, which were worn everywhere we'd let her (mainly our hotel room).

We stayed at the Bay Lake Tower at the Contemporary which is part of Disney's "innovative vacation ownership, blah, blah, timeshare, blah, blah." It was nice, especially since we had a kitchenette with microwave, toaster, & refrigerator. We had groceries delivered (awesome!) and it worked out nicely. I was really glad we stayed on-site because the sheer logistics of transporting us back and forth, the stamina needed (from all of us), and the sweltering humidity would have crushed my spirit by day 2. As it was, we enjoyed returning to the hotel and swimming every day. We made it to Downtown Disney and the Lego Store (fabulous!) and saw most of the Magic Kingdom.

More photos to come (when the ridiculously expensive Disney photos get here).

31 for 21, Year 2

Yep. Already behind the posting schedule for this year's 31 for 21. I really enjoyed doing it last year and will give it my best again this year.

Some update about Miss E:

• We're working through her transition stuff for preschool beginning in January. I have to say, it's been a bit of a pain. The Education Services Center social worker that is arranging all the meetings and evaluation only works part time. So I received a call from our EI specialist who said, oh the at-home is XXX day/time and the multifactor eval is XX day/time. Without even consulting whether it was actually convenient. I questioned having an eval, which forms the basis for E's IEP meeting, on the 2nd of December with the IEP meeting to be a couple weeks later (you know during the last week before the holidays or over the holidays) because I don't think it's going to be enough time, nor am I going to give up our break time to schedule meetings that they could adjust. It's not the school district, so I'm not concerned if I'm 'THAT' parent. And even if I become THAT parent, so be it.
  
• E had all her testing from her therapists. For OT, she even moved from the 2nd percentile up to the 5th in skills! Her OT said that it was unusual for kids to move up, but we'll take it. OT is E's strongest skill and even though she's delayed, she's always had good fine motor skills. In PT, we're working on jumping, kicking, stepping over stuff (E doesn't always navigate over obstacles) and riding a bike! In speech, she still has no words, but 50+ signs (Thanks to Signing Time). I swear she adds 2 - 3 signs a week. It's hard to keep up.
• E has become a real stink bug. To my recollection, she's a total 2 year old, defiant, stubborn, selective hearing, etc. She won't eat certain foods she loved, signs for ice cream all the time, will turn into a noodle if you pick her up to remove her from a situation. Some days it's funny, but others it's incredibly exasperating. She's also vocalizing her demands (no words, just grunts and squawks) so that's fun (**rolls eyes**)
  
• She's eating with a spoon and doing a pretty good job most of the time. Yesterday, though, she did spill yogurt all down her, but I think it was her way of not having to eat it because her throat is still a little sore.
• She has a sore throat because she had her adenoids out, turbinates shrunk, and a tube put in her right ear (because the weenie who did them in December didn't get it seated and, needless to say, we no longer see him for that and other issues). Hopefully, this will help her with the constant fluid in her hear which causes mild hearing loss. While she was under, they also did a BAER test, which came back perfect (e.g., no neurological hearing loss).

More about Down Syndrome (October is DS awareness month and the motivator behind 31 for 21), E, M, Big Daddy and life as we go along.

Amen, Sister

Read this from Margaret & Helen.

State of Grace

The online dictionary gives this definition (#8) for Grace:
Theology
a. the freely given, unmerited favor and love of god
b. the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.
c. a virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces
d. Also called state of grace. The condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect.

I first learned about the state of Grace in college. The Chaplain (phenomenal woman) explained it while counseling a friend who was undergoing crisis. I don't remember how this friend and I intersected at the moment of crisis, only that in the afterward, the lasting remembrance is her explanation of being in a state of Grace.

I've experienced other moments of Grace throughout my life. Moments where I was blessed/lucky/fortunate/good karma, etc. I think I call them various things depending on circumstances. But I know that Big Daddy and I were in a state of Grace when he had his stroke on July 11.

There were so many things that could have gone wrong, but instead, everything went right (if you call having a 45 year old man with few risk factors have a stroke right). He woke up and went to the restroom which woke me up enough to hear him return to bed and then his distress when he couldn't move his right side. The paramedics took him to our hospital with a stoke center within an hour of of the onset of symptoms (he was text book). He wasn't bleeding in his brain (an ischemic stroke), making him eligible for Tissue Plasminogen Activator (tPA), which he received at 3:20 a.m. He was also lucky to have had his stroke on the morning of July 11 as there were 7 other strokes that day/night, so the Chair of the Neurology department/Stroke Program Director was still at the hospital and administered the tPA.

That at 4:00 a.m. (40 minutes after the "Lazarus" drug was administered), Big Daddy was back. When Katie the ER nurse when through the response drill (raise your left leg, raise your right leg, raise your left arm, raise your right arm, follow my fingers with your eyes, etc.), Big Daddy could kick both legs (Katie and I looked at each other like, Did you see that?), then when he could respond to all her requests and I looked at his eyes and saw him looking back...that moment was one of undisputed grace.

And there were more....neighbors who came over in the middle of the night to stay with the girls (who never woke up which is another gift of epic proportions), people who found us a sitter to stay Sunday night who turned out to be friends with our neighbors across the street, colleagues who asked what do you need and would have come to our aid if asked, family who answered calls at 5:00 am and 7:00 am and drove to help me with the girls, other family who answered calls at 6:00 am and came to the hospital to be with their only son.

It became an embarrassment of riches, the offers and desire of those who wanted to help. I'm only thankful that we didn't need them. But it's humbling to know that the offers were there and that many more were not made, only because we were so very, very fortunate and our needs were easily managed. That we were blessed.

I like the 2nd definition of the state of Grace - to strengthen or regenerate them. Instead of looking at all the things that might have been, I try to focus on the fact that this occurred in my beloved so that we can fix the underlying mechanical reason for the stroke to have reached his brain (Patent Foramen Ovale) and that reducing risk factors means some medication and lifestyle changes, something we've both been saying we need to do to live long for the girls.

Like all growing opportunities, though, the aftermath of Grace is challenging. Learning to live in this new reality, one of which really has few side effects - I can't help but wonder about the others who had strokes on the 10th/11th and wonder at their outcomes and if they were as lucky as we - has it's moments. I'm learning how not to worry every time Big Daddy gets up in the night and there was his extra concern over my headache last nigh. It's good to care for each other, but it's also a side effect of the experience for a while. Like all new things, it will take us time for the regeneration to feel normal. In the meanwhile, my heart and soul are overwhelmed and the myriad of gifts and love bestowed on us. On the Grace that is our lives.

After the Big Girl Haircut (Plus Tiara)